I used to love to smell the bread baking at the Sara Lee Factory on my way home from school. It would fill my nostrils and lungs like air to a flat tire. As we would ride down Panthersville Road I would stick my head out the window of the bus and try not to get caught by the bus driver. Life was fairly simple on that short bus ride home; it was my safe haven almost. I was glad to be done with the humdrum life of school, but I was not quite ready to go home to the madhouse I called home. Then I didn’t know how to deal with my parents. I couldn’t deal with the constant conflict, the name calling. I wanted to be any place but there…That bus ride to my schoolmates was probably just that, a bus ride. It was more than that to me; I could mentally prepare myself on how I was going to survive the unwarranted turmoil that awaited me.
8.31.2011
6.24.2011
Memoirs of A Performer : Finished Product
Memoirs From a Performer
Dear Diary,
I never considered myself evil. But life’s experiences can alter you in ways unimaginable. I grew up as wholesome girl in Southern Mississippi, Biloxi to be exact. I had a mother, a father and two older brothers. Being the only daughter of banker had its perks. My mother loved to make me unique dresses so I could be the prettiest girl in all of Mississippi. My daddy would buy the most beautiful fabrics. My evening gowns were backless with bloused bodices and fox furs with heads and tails. I grew up in the Depression, although it seemed like a distant event to me. As a young girl I would never know the struggles most girls my age faced. I was from money and extraordinarily beautiful. I was the most sought after girl in all of Mississippi. I was pursued by some of the most prominent men in Biloxi, including Mr. Mathews’ (the mayor) son Blake. Blake was a very handsome young man, he was tall, dark haired and he had the most heart-melting smile, but you should not fall in love with a book because of its cover, you have to open it up and read for yourself. Blake was born in 1923 making him four years my senior. I did not know much about him when we met but I was captivated by his smile. He was a sly devil. He did not court me very long before asking my father for my hand in marriage. I remember like it was yesterday. I was upstairs in my room trying on dresses my mother had sewn herself, when Blake came to my front porch where my father sat reading a novel.
He said to my father, “Mr. Sawyer, I would like to ask to have your daughter’s hand in marriage.” My father chuckled and said, “Which one?” Blake made a puzzled face but before he could ask what my father meant, my father let out an exuberant laugh, and simply said, “I’m joking with you son. I was wondering when you were gonna muster up the nerve to ask to marry Belle, my sweet lovely Belle.” “Tell me something Blake, can you take care of my daughter…I mean really take care of her, she’s my only daughter I don’t want anything to happen to her, ya hear!”
Blake batted those long eyelashes and looked up to my father and said, “I would love and honor your daughter as if she was the only thing worth living for.”
Hmph…the lies he told. It was January 1945 when Blake received my daddy’s blessing. We were married that April. It rained on my wedding day, luckily the wedding was indoors, but that surely was a sign of what was to come. My mother died shortly after my wedding and it was very hard for me. Those gorgeous dresses she made for me, I would cherish forever.
What I was unaware of was that Blake did not marry me because he loved me or even particularly liked me no, that was not the case. But I wouldn’t find out his motives for taking my hand until close to our first anniversary. But I always had my suspicions that he did not love me the way I loved and wanted him. When he kissed me it was never passionate, and his eyes never said I love you. They were green but not bright. They were big but not filled with love. They were filled with greed.
Blake’s problem was heavily concealed until our anniversary. We were going to the Foxy Trott, a nightclub/casino on the Upper East Side. I wore my late mother’s empire-waisted gown, with ties at the back and her silver fox coat. We walked in the Foxy looking like royalty. “Let me get your coat sweetie.” Blake said. “Isn’t that the coat checkers’ job?” I inquired. “I don’t want no Colored touching my wife’s’ coat!” Blake snapped at me. I know that last statement may seem harsh but we reside in the South that’s just the mentality of a lot of Southern folk. Gentle now he smiled and batted those eyelashes and said, “Besides it’s our anniversary, let me be a gentleman.” “Okay” was my only reply. I wouldn’t see him for two hours, and the next time I would see my mother’s coat, it would be on the wife of the town doctor! Blake had a gambling problem. After he removed my coat he went off to the casino area to play poker. He was a decent poker player but he was too greedy. He couldn’t just stop after winning a few hundred dollars…no he wanted more. He wanted more when he already had enough! After he lost all his chips in the casino he took his paper chase to the alleys behind the Foxy. Blake betted my coat in a poker game after he lost all his money, and he lost my coat too. I was aware that Blake was up to no good. My in-laws had been chewing my ear off for two hours, something that I was unaccustomed to. They hardly ever said anything too me, even on my wedding day. My guess is they felt guilty about raising such a monster and then allowing an innocent girl to marry him.
One minute I was tuning Mrs. Mathew’s out, the next I was horrified by Blake storming at me a hundred miles a minute with crazed look on his face. “I’m leaving this God forsaking club! Let’s go Belle! We’re leaving!” His parent said nothing they just walked away disgusted. I was stunned I had never seen this side of him. I was too startled to ask where he had been or where my coat was, or why he was angry. My inner instincts just told me to be quiet because something was very wrong. After a few hours when he seemed calm he confessed what happened, that he betted my mother’s coat when he had no money left. He was sure he was going to win was his only justification. He swore that was the only time he did something like that. He ran off like that because he wanted to surprise me with his winnings by taking me to New York, to pursue my dream of acting.
But it was all lies, it wasn’t the first time he’d done anything like that; and I was certain that he had no intentions of taking me to New York. His gambling problem was the only reason we were married. Before he met me, Blake got to some gambling trouble and his father had to pay a pretty penny to get him out of it, and he threatened Blake that unless he married he would be cut off indefinitely. His father was banking that Blake wouldn’t marry and he could cut him off, and his other assumption was a wife would keep his head level and keep him out of trouble. He was dead wrong! That’s where I came in; I was a front for Blake, a trophy if you will. Blake had promised me all these things; he promised me that we would move to New York so that I could pursue my dream of acting. Blake also promised me children…that too I would never get from him. One night after five years of lies, I confronted him and told him exactly how I felt. I accused him of using me and you know what he told me. He said, “Belle, my love. Shakespeare said it best, all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts…” “Darling what I’m trying to say is that Biloxi is my stage and I am not only a director but I am a player as well. I played the part of an obedient son, I played the part of a young man who fell in love with the banker’s only daughter, and I play the part of a loyal and honest husband. Now your job is to play the part of a wife madly in love with her lying husband. You will never get the things I promised you because I was simply reading lines of a script. You fell head over heels for a fictional character. But you’re not totally unlucky; you end up marrying a very wealthy man. Now why don’t you run along and go shopping to ease the pain.”
I was speechless. I felt betrayed, not just by Blake but my own heart. The pain was unbearable. But I accepted it. I let it go because what else was I to do. What was little ol’ Belle going to do. So I took crap from him until I could bear no more.
It was December 2, 1951. I was 5 months pregnant. I remember that night for one thing because it was raining like nobody’s business outside and Blake was out at the casino. I was upset because he missed dinner and spent hours preparing it. As pregnant I was that took a lot of my energy and he was unappreciative. When he finally came home a quarter to midnight I was prepared to let him have a piece of my mind but his attire made me think twice. He was soaked from head to toe and his ivory suit looked he had rolled on the ground with it on. The first thing that flew out of my mouth was, “Blake! Whatever is the matter with you? You’re getting my carpet all wet and dirty!” “Hush you no good for nuttin’ house wife! I need money! Give me money!” He spit at me harshly. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. “I’m not giving you a darn thing, ya hear Blake!” I yelled at him. He stared me down and pointed his finger at me a said, “You do as I say! Or I’ll make you wish you were never born!” I turned to walk away not frightened by his threat. For God’s sake I was pregnant with his child, what was he going to do? That’s when he grabbed me from behind and slammed me into the wall. Then he slapped me several times in my face. Then he choked me until I was blue. He released my throat and let me catch my breath. Then he kneed me hard in my abdomen, exactly where my uterus was; exactly where our baby was. Then he finally stopped and told me I had 30 seconds to get his money or he was going to stop beating me until I stopped breathing. I did as I was told. After he left I drove myself to the hospital to hear the news I dreaded the most, I lost my baby.
I was confused and hurt by everything that happened. Then the hurt turned into a very strong emotion…rage. I used this rage to be revengeful. I decided that I would make Blake pay for what he did and keep his promise…well at least one of them. I was sort of elated that I would not bear his children…the seeds of a demon. In my mind I told myself that I would never let anyone hurt me again. No, no person would ever hurt Belle. They would never even meet her. That’s when I created the character, Eve Harrington; a conniving and ruthless girl who would not let anyone stand in her way. She would be seemingly sweet and timid on the outside yet ready to pounce at the slightest show of weakness from others. I told myself that it would be Eve that was going to do all the bad things I was planning to do.
Eve is the one who poisoned her husband’s supper, and later collected the insurance money for $100,000, and Eve was the one who withdrew all the money from her husband’s account at the bank. Eve was the one who journeyed to New York to pursue an acting career. Eve was the one who bought a ticket to see a show titled, Deception, starring Margo Channing. Eve was the one who fell in love with Margo and who plotted to steal her life. Eve was the one who would stand outside every night after the show waiting for a chance to be spotted by Ms. Channing. Eve was the one who noticed Ms. Channing’s friend Karen’s sympathetic eyes. Eve was the one who preyed on this weakness. Eve was the one who was happy when Karen greeted her in that dark alley way behind theater. Eve was the one who tricked that dressing room of people into believing she was an innocent girl who needed a hand out. Eve is responsible for all the bad acts that later occurred. I’m not responsible. No, Belle would never do such things. Belle would never ruin an experienced actress’s life. Belle would never steal the husband of a woman who was nothing but kind to her. That’s right Belle wouldn’t do that. But I would. I Eve would do all those things and more. I stole Karen Richard’s husband Lloyd. He’s a successful playwright, why wouldn’t I go after him. I can see it now he will write plays especially for me. And I will be GREAT! Tonight when I perform his latest play, “Black Widow”, we will meet in Time’s Square. And after we go to dinner he will go to his house and confess to his current wife Karen that he is madly in love with me, Eve, and he will leave her for me. And we will be a power couple…oh we’ll be rich!!! I can’t wait.
Knock, Knock! “Yes who is it?” I say. “Ms. Harrington it’s time for you to go on stage” “Thanks I’ll be there in two!” I say. Well, that’s my cue…until next time diary.